i see you back there.. a little over two weeks away. yup, looming in the corner.
i see you.
because of you i’ve been…
– binge eating what ever. or maybe it is more emotional binge eating. so what if i raided the left over christmas candy box at 6:10 in the morning. or opened and then ate all the white conversation hearts out of a bag.
– running an extra mile on the tread mill. hell, after all the emotional binge eating i HAVE to.
-crying at every thing. and not just sad things. angry crying. WTF. why am i crying when the president on The West Wing gives his familys’ carving knife to his body man Charlie. (please note, i watch the west wing while on the treadmill, so now i am making up for the conversation hearts, and crying… on the treadmill)- better yet, i caught “becoming lebron james” on disney xd… yep, bawling at the end when he goes back to cleveland, and “coming home” starts playing in the back ground.
– sitting on the couch for an hour, just petting the dog. suddenly 10 years seems so old. i whisper in her ear and ask if she feels as old and tired as i do. to which see purrs like a cat as i find her favorite “pet me here forever” spot and i take that as a yes.
-waking at 3:15 in the morning, begging for a few more hours of sleep tht never come.
-fixating on the gray’s and wrinkles.. and dreaming up other ailments.
– why can’t you be like a vampire? you know, you have to invite them in… and then if you rescind your invitation they must leave.
yup. somehow i’ve let a number suddenly define me.
so dear 40..
i see you.
but i’m over the “oh no” stage. i still may run that extra mile- but here’s what i really am going to set my mind to-
– don’t sweat the small stuff.
-carve out a little more time for me. OMG, i totally just typed that, that makes it real right? that means i am actually going to do it. no really, i am.
-judge less. so what if you want to eat only grass fed meat and feed your kids only kumquats. thats you. i will continue to pray mine poops in the potty and the big and middle stay out of trouble. in the meantime.. will you still be my friend if we eat gluten, and a lot of it?
-accept more. accept me, accept you. help other people accept. life is to short to harbor some self loathing because of my.. pant size? F that. life is also too short to harbor some resentment because of someone else’s pant size, house size, car size, perfect kid, perfect husband, perfect life. wait perfect life, total bs. no matter how perfect they appear (on Facebook, on instagram, volunteering at school, on the sidelines of a sporting event, the the audience during an awards banquet) they have their own struggles. accept that you have yours they have theirs and its ok. people are not perfect,life is not perfect. but it sure is beautiful.
-really listen. god i suck at this. especially when it comes to the little, i nod.. i say yes..i nod… i haven’t heard a word because i am running down the list of things i want to get done before he goes to school. i suck at this with the husband too. totally interrupting all the time.. he can’t finish a sentence with out me interrupting.
-love. love myself. love my life. so easy to type, but when i’m over the day, and it’s only 5… and the little is screaming he doesn’t like his sister, and the big is blasting music a story away that i can hear like it’s being pumped into my ear buds, and i have NO idea what’s for dinner, and the husband, well he usually hits home around 6:45 so, it’s just me for another 1.75 hours… i forget to love my life.
-dream. i am not a dreamer. i never have been. i am a realist. i don’t dream of a new house because, well… it’s not feasible. i don’t dream of a vacation because, well.. in reality we don’t have the time, or money to go where i’d “dream” of. but i am going to start dreaming and maybe, just maybe, if i dream of me and the middle in a castle in germany the year she graduates high school, maybe, just maybe, i’ll take the step i need to get my senior photography business really going. if i dream of a new, awesome camera, maybe just maybe i’ll advertise that new business.
i see you. stop lurking. i’ll invite you in, in a few weeks. it’s going to be awesome. matter of fact 40, WE are going to be awesome.